Reader,
Have you ever felt disappointed or let down by someone? Maybe a friend, a colleague, or a partner? Chances are, your answer is yes—and your mind probably doesn’t go to the most recent time it happened, but to the time you felt it the most.
The other day, I was going back and forth with a friend via sending voice memos (I honestly love this act by the way) about how important it is to give to ourselves first—because expecting that from anyone else is risky at best. And it doesn’t matter the category: it could be filling our own financial pot, understanding how to self-soothe when we’re feeling down, or learning how to call in the things that make you feel good. Whatever it is, we absolutely have to be able to give it to ourselves first before expecting anyone else’s contribution.
As we talked, I had this moment of realization—why did no one ever tell us this?! It would have saved me years of headaches (and a fair share of tears) spent in relationships where I expected my partner, a friend or even a parent to fulfill something I hadn’t even looked at within myself.
Most of us struggle with this because we’ve been conditioned to believe milestones will complete us. But real growth starts with self-work. That’s the foundation—everything else is built on top.
Writers, I'm talkin' to you: When we usher a book (or any creative project) out into the world, this same idea applies. We often send it off expecting rewards and validation to make us feel whole. But the advances, recognition, awards, invites, and visibility? Those are meant to be extra. If we can’t fulfill ourselves on a regular basis, anything we receive will just hit the floor instead of floating comfortably on top.
This mindset also shifts how we experience rejection. Not winning that award, getting that grant, or making that list can still sting—because of course, that disappointment is real. But it doesn’t break us. We don’t crumble, because our well is already full. Those external wins? They’re just additions to what we’ve already built within ourselves. Extra.
This idea—of fulfillment and the tendency to look outward for it—has been showing up everywhere lately:
- In my conversations with writers
- In helping my son take steps toward adult independence
- In my own cyclical revisiting of goals and life dreams (oh you should see my journals lol)
And of course, all of this requires that oh-so-difficult self-work. You can't escape it because no matter where you go, there you are. And as we all know—there’s no growth in staying comfortable. And if you're interested in staying comfortable, you probably aren't a fit to work with me, just saying!
The more I started to truly understand this, the more free I’ve felt in making decisions—especially when it comes to saying no.
I’ve had to say no to connections with people who are not interested or maybe ... unwilling to do this self-work. In fact, I’d say I’m allergic to folks who outright refuse to do it. And of course, there’s a difference between not knowing where to start and simply not wanting to bother—because if you need help figuring out where to begin, I’ve got you!
Reflective Question: What’s one thing you can give to yourself today, without waiting for someone else to provide it?
with love
Chelene
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